Kierkegaard and the Three Stages of Love

Prelude: Two Caveats

 

1)    The following is by no means an academic endeavor. I would call it a meditation, or perhaps a philosophical fragment. It is not the result of extensive study; This idea came to me while I was walking to the bathroom on the first floor of Jenks from the reference room.

2)    The relationship between my three stages and that of Kierkegaard’s is very superficial. There are several incredible similarities which might not be a coincidence, but which I have left unexegeted for the sake of brevity and time. I really should be doing homework that I’m going to be graded for.

 

The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard had a doctrine that was later named the “Three Stages”. They describe three attitudes toward life; three ways of appropriating oneself to one’s own existence. Though they are not merely lifestyles, these stages determine the meaning and purpose of an individuals life as well as how they live it out. Since Kierkegaard was a Christian philosopher, he believed that the highest stage could only be attained by Christians. Here they are in brief:

 

Aesthetic Stage: The individual lives in immediacy. “At this level one lives entirely for the satisfaction of the moment in conformity with the expectations of the ‘crowd’” (Aiken). For the person in this stage, the highest goal is self-satisfaction, even at the cost of living an authentic, consistent life.

Ethical Stage: The individual breaks away from hedonism and conventionalism and aligns himself to a higher ethical ideal. In this stage, one realizes that there is an eternal, ultimate good and strives to live in accordance to it. Simply put, one discovers that “there’s something more to life than fun (or being really, really, ridiculously good-looking).

Religious Stage: At this stage, the individual realizes that the eternal, ultimate good is not a static system of ethical rules, but a real, living being. One discovers that “there’s someone more to life”. Thus one who lives in the religious stage lives in faith-upheld obedience to God. Since one’s commitment is to a living God, one must at times set aside social conventions (go against the flow), and even “suspend the ethical” for the sake of living in faith.

 

In light of the three stages, I propose that there are three stages in understanding love. Similar to Kierkegaard’s three stages, these three views of love define an individual’s attitude not towards existence, but towards other people and other things. Also similar to Kierkegaard, the third and highest stage can only be attained by an intimate, existential encounter with the real, living God.

 

Aesthetic Love: The aesthetic individual loves in conformity with the expectations of the crowd. He does not know how to think for himself, but only in accordance with the tides of popular opinion. Thus the only object of love the individual is capable of having is the self. There are two ways of living in aesthetic love:

1) The Camel: The lowest form of self-love. The individual bears completely the burden of social convention, loving whatever the crowd loves and enjoying whatever the rest of popular culture enjoys. (cf. Napoleon Dynamite, Tamagotchis, iPods, and Kanye West).

2) The Lion: Upon realizing that he only ascribes value based on self-love, the individual rears his head to break out of this pattern by reacting in total opposition to popular culture (cf. people who use Macs, Zunes, popped collars, and people who participate in the Facebook group “I don’t care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass”).

 

Soapbox interlude: Realize that no matter how hard you try, you cannot subvert popular culture! You’re either going with the flow or reacting against it; but no matter what you choose, you and your decisions are affected by it. So don’t love or hate products according to popular image. Be stronger than that!

 

Conditional Love (The Child): The individual has risen above convention and has “learned to think for himself”. In this stage, one learns to separate socio-cultural conditions for love from self-serving conditions for love. One ascribes affection to people and things not based popular image, but based on how they serve him (cf. people who use Macs). However, it is still not the highest actualization of love. Because it is conditional, one’s affections in this stage is still based on self-love.

Religious Love: In the highest stage of love, the individual finally breaks free from self-love. In this stage, one does not love something “for”, but “because”. Thus, one does not love for the sake of any of the object’s intrinsic attributes, but simply “because”.

What is the “because” that propels unconditional love? It is the unconditional love that God first showed to humanity through Christ on the cross. “We love because he first loved us” (1 Jn 4.19). The only way we are capable of truly loving others is by coming to grips with the reality of God’s love for us.

Kierkegaard said the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. The reason is because all other lower forms of love are driven by the fear of rejection. Acts of conditional love are done in order to attain approval from others. But only when one understands that God has already ascribed infinite worth to each human being can one finally be free from the fear of rejection. When one is free from fear, one is free from self-love. And only when one is free from self-love can one love unconditionally.

 

Postlude: A Homily

A baby bird will not learn to fly by the objective knowledge of its flying ability. It must take the leap of faith out of the nest and into the unknown. There, seventy thousand fathoms above the ground, it attains the experiential knowledge of how to soar. Likewise, the only way we can come to unconditionally love others is through an existential encounter with the gospel truth of God’s unconditional love for us, as manifest in the person and redemptive work of Jesus Christ. Objective, propositional knowledge of this fact is not enough, because it is not enough to transform one’s feelings of fear into feelings of worth.

Do you struggle from low self-esteem? You bet you do, if you’re still looking for approval through how you live and how you love. What you need to realize is that everything horrible you know about yourself…is true. And yet God still loves you! Live your life in reaction of unconditional love, not in search of it.

 

Sola Deo Gratia

 

Daniel Shih